Her brown orange tinged hair parted straight in the middle and ended just at the beggining of her shoulder tops. Her eyes spread wide open both up and down and left to right giving her a foolish look that went well with her hubble walk. When she moved forward her feet rocked her body left and right displacing her body horiziontly almost as much as forward. She wasn't fat or anything, no actually she was queit skinny, but she forgot to bend her knees when she walked.
I took the long way around her, cause she obviously didn't know how to walk in new york or maybe at all.
I never would see her again but she had a story and someone had to narrate it, so by chance, my name was picked up out of that big top hat at the end of living. And having been a writer before it wouldn't be any different. My heavenly community chore turned out to be, to tell you, if there is a you, her story.
Almost as much info about you as her.
ReplyDeleteIs that what you want to do. I would think you need more info about her first.
Otherwise very descriptive. However the rocking is side to side and back and forth or what. Alot of info about her wide eyes not much about her real looks. Ugly attractive what.
mmm. maybe your right about not putting enough character description but maybe that could come subtly later. two reason i did that. 1 was afraid of boring the reader with plane description 2 i think this description was just a passing glance, i think the narrator didn't really get a good fine look at her.
ReplyDeleteohh yea about the narrator. i really like the narrator-character relationship in all storys. in the story im not the narrator i hope you understood that. if you read this what things can you tell of the narrator if you don't mind my asking. what was your impression in your first read and in your second read?
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ReplyDeleteno one can walk w/o bending their knees :-)
ReplyDeleteare you going to rewrite and expand?
okay I got your idea about beginning a story.
ReplyDeleteBut you need to push on with it and also rework what you have written.